Designers Handbags

I find that many women obsess over sizing. ‘Good gawd this is an 10, I don’t wear a 10! I’m not buying this’ or ’seriously I am going on a diet and once I get to my goal these 6’s will fit’. Ladies, for years I had a closet full of ‘once-I-get-to-the-size-I-like-clothes. They inevitably never fit, and at times (a long time ago I tell you), I would pull those pants up, lay ont he ground, do lunges, stretch and squeeze, until the pants would fit. BAD idea. The fact that the pants could ‘fit’ was not a good sign, because they were so far from flattering that it was gaggable. Learn from this ladies, buy clothes that fit, don’t look at the sizes! This happens in the handbag realm also, not ALL handbags look good on everyone. A huge bag could look really overpowering on a small framed person just as a really tiny bag can look ridiculous on a tall/larger framed person. If you look in the mirror when trying on a handbag, and you are not sure, do not buy it. This is exactly the thought that came to my mind when I saw this De Couture Metallic Shoulder Strap Handbag, well that, and actually that it is completely fugly either way. Simply put, metal and leather are combined in an Medieval like manner, with a thick shoulder strap of metal, and a ring that connects to the small compartment bag. Totally not for me (since I am 5′10), and totally not for me even if I were 4′10.

Through Luisaviaroma for $920.

Top left to right, bottom left to right

Fendi Laser Cut Satchel $1240 via Saks, Marc Jacobs Collection Quilted Nylon Kristen $675 at eLuxury, Chloe Denim Logo Tote through Bergdorf Goodman $830, Marc by Marc Jacobs Laminated Tote via eLuxury $278.

When a designer begins to feel insecure about his or her name and really wants to make sure people know who he is, he will sling his/her entire name on a bag. I am not even a huge fan of logos, although some I can stand (and even own), but this flagrant full name dropping just looks dumb. Chloe your offense is not as bad, but still pretty bad. Fendi, at least you laser cut your name which makes it half-cool. We know who you are Marc, fling your name on and we will laugh; but throwing your name recklessly all over your bag in multi-coloring has me rolling around on the floor laughing (at you, not with you). I am all for getting your name out there, but have a little class. Less is more. We will learn to love you and your bags, without your name on them. This brings me back to the days of grade school, when kids had the backpacks with their names on them. Quit it, seriously.

Way back in once upon a time, I was in grade school. Come 6th grade, there was a school dance. I wore some dress of horrors I am sure and had really fugly lipstick on too I am sure and no doubt stood at one end of the gym while the boys were on the other end. At the odd chance that any of the boys and girls danced, the nuns and teachers ran up to us, pulled us apart with their hands, and said ‘Keep Jesus Between You”. I am not kidding. And during that time, I carried an evening bag that was most probably cheap and not chic. Come to think of it, the Miu Miu Crystal Embellished Purse looks as if at its best it could be carried by another 6th grader to an awkward dance. One side has crystal ‘embellishment’ flung about it as if a 6th grader bought fabric glue and took a trip to JoAnn’s fabrics, and on the other side there is plain black silk with the Miu Miu logo. I’d advise all Miu Miu personale to remove the logo and let this purse go on looking as if it were made by the 6th grader to be carried to the 6th grade dance. Via Net-A-Porter for $550.

Too much, too fast is the theme of our ski vacation. If you could all see me now. Picture this: A fashionable gal wearing my boyfriends shirt because it is all that will fit overly my arm somewhat comfortably with my right arm (my writing arm of course) snuggled close to my body in a sling and wrist brace waiting to be checked by my ortho. Ah yes, I am that first time snowboarder who breaks her arm on her first run ever. So I come to you all a bit pissed, major bummed, and left handed typing from my vacation; you envy me, don’t you. My reaction to this atrocious bag may be somewhat cynical, but now you can understand why.

We all know only a select percentage of women can pull off red lipstick, and the same goes for red bags. So attempting to pull off this racy color in a larger bag is a bit more complicated and adding ridiculous amounts of braiding and pockets makes my eyes hurt. Really Valentino? You found it necessary when designing the Valentino Braided Handle Shoulder Bag to fug out this bag with gaudy braiding thrown all over the place, tacky black stitching that is borderline trashy, and flaps and pockets that make this handbag look like a bloody mess. Don’t get me wrong, I love red bags and truly think they can be so classy (love my rouge Paddy), but all the ‘extra perks’ flung on this bag make it so fugly my eyes cringe. Do you notice the cow tongue used as a flap closure? Come on, give us something better than this. The only purpose this bag would play in my life is if it were there to catch my fall on the slopes of Jackson Hole.

Via BG for nearly $1,600.

This is precisely what happens when a designer has absolutely no idea what to do next. Salvatore Ferragamo, I love your shoes, have had crushes on a few of your bags, but this bag is down right nasty looking. There must be some sort of protocol or list that had to be met for the season; as in there must be 15 new bags produced. The first few are always the easiest (hopefully), then comes more thinking involved, then when you are just at 14 and really needing that last one you put all the extra scrap material together and make a smorgasbord bag. Gag. So here is the smorgasbord handbag, the Salvatore Ferragamo Fiera Print Tote Bag. Granted this is called the ’signature carnival print’, this print is still nothing but awful in my opinion. There is also randomly placed leather trim which partially breaks up the pattern of lions, tigers, bears… OH MY. Fugtastic through Saks for $840.